The Simple Act of Noticing

Daniel Goleman , author of the New York Times bestseller Emotional Intelligence, talks about Compassion on this YouTube video. The essence of his talk is about helping and that we’re all hard wired to help – but then, why don’t we? He shares several interesting stories on this topic, but one in particular caught my attention. He said that at one point he went out on the streets with social workers and learned that most of those who were homeless and on the street had psychological issues. Beyond that though, he said his ‘urban trance’ weakened and he was then able to notice those who were homeless. One day he was walking through the subway and noticed a man huddled up on the floor with no shirt. He walked over to him to see what was wrong. The man had fainted from lack of food. When Daniel walked over to him and spoke to him, others as well awoke from their trance and saw the man and came over to see what was wrong. Someone offered to go get juice, etc.

Daniel shares that we don’t help because we are too focused on ourselves – so focused that we don’t notice the other. Perhaps in too much of a hurry or absorbed in our heads about some issue. He shares a great story about divinity students at Princeton Theological Seminary who were given the assignment of writing a sermon on the parable of the good samaritan. They were told to write this and then go to another building to deliver the sermon. On the way, they passed a man hunched over in pain. How many do you think stopped to help?

In my work as a shelter director, one of my jobs is working with the volunteers. Since our inception two winters ago, we’ve scheduled 80-90 volunteers each week to run the shelter (along with 2 -4 paid staff). I hear this all the time from volunteers. ‘Until I started volunteering for Interfaith Sanctuary, I never noticed how many homeless were on the street. Now I see them everywhere.” They woke up from their urban trance.

Perhaps in this day as we head out into the world, we’ll walk in mindfulness – awake to the people around us – present – available to lending a helping hand and open to compassion.

Photo Credit: Walk on By – Socialtimes on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

Idiot Compassion

I have been working to understand compassion and learn how to apply it in my work and life for the past several years. Recently, however, I’ve been looking at compassion from a different perspective. When does compassion not really look like compassion – or how we have been led to believe compassion should look? When is it more compassionate to be fierce? To say no? To hold another accountable for their actions? And how can we use true compassion to effectively serve another?

As a homeless shelter manager, I am called to make decisions every day that test my understanding of genuine compassion. It’s been a learning experience over these past several years. The first time I needed to hold someone truly accountable for their behavior, it tore me apart. I needed to call the police on a couple who was causing such chaos in the shelter that they were taking the house down. Everyone wanted them out and we were in a one-room warehouse at the time. It was COLD outside – like really cold. And, I liked them. I, of course, worked with them every which way I could think of to calm them down so everyone could sleep. When nothing worked and they wouldn’t leave on their own accord, I called the police to escort them out. On the way out, the woman looked at me and said ‘I curse you. Our lives are in your hands.’ Geez! After they left, I went in the back alley and cried. When I got home that night, I did prayer ceremonies for them both. That was two years ago. I think it took them a few months to get over it and since then our paths have crossed frequently through the volunteer street outreach I do and all is quite well between us.

Idiot compassion is a term that was introduced by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche and refers to the tendency of spiritual practitioners to give people what they want as opposed to what they need, all in the name of being nice and compassionate. ‘Complimenting someone’s poor artwork in order not to hurt their feelings, rather than expressing your true opinion and helping them grow, would be an example of idiot compassion. In this case, the truly compassionate action is to help the other person understand what they did right, and what they need to improve – even though this may leave them feeling hurt and dejected for days or even weeks. However, application of this form of compassion should be carefully evaluated and calibrated given each circumstance, and should not be applied to inflict damage indirectly. (emphasis mine) An example of Idiot compassion could include those who would enable an individual or group with a temporary solution to their problem, in order to give them what they want instead of having the courage, insight, or other, to do what is necessary to help the individual or group in the long run.’ – Wikipedia on Idiot Compassion.

Idiot compassion is the highly conceptualized idea that you want to do good to somebody. At this point, good is purely related with pleasure. Idiot compassion also stems from not have enough courage to say no. – Chogyam Trungpa

Pema Chodron describes idiot compassion as “the general tendency to give people what they want because you can’t bear to see them suffering.”

Robert Augustus Masters, in an article on ‘Idiot Compassion’ defines it as ‘neurotically tolerant, confrontation-phobic, indiscriminating caring. Here are some key points Masters makes in this article:

‘Idiot compassion is commonly centered by the belief that everyone is doing the best they can. Not surprisingly, idiot compassion cuts everyone – everyone – far too much slack, making an ever-so-gentle fuss about not making a fuss regarding behavioral lapse it is taking pains to so kindly address.’

… ‘Very rarely does idiot compassion show any anger, for it’s scared to upset anyone. This is reinforced by its negative conceptualizing of anger, especially in its more fiery expression, a something less than spiritual, something equated with ill will, hostility, and aggression, something that should not be there if we are being truly loving. Idiot compassion has the mistaken notion that compassion has to be gentle.’

‘Idiot compassion has no voice, other than that of making nice and making excuses; its articulation is relentlessly soft and pleasant, brightly buttoned-up. No guts. Being a harmony junkie, idiot compassion will do just about anything to keep the peace, so long as it doesn’t have to show its teeth in anything other than I-wouldn’t-harm-a-fly smiles.’

… ‘When those who espouse idiot compassion encounter offensive behavior from others, they usually take pains to not only be nonjudgmental (or at least not to say or do anything that could be construed as judgmental), but also to examine whatever such behavior may be triggering in them, while bringing no significant heat to those who are actually behaving offensively. That is, if what you are doing is upsetting me, my job (as a graduate of Idiot Compassion 101) is not to focus to any significant degree on your behavior, but rather to find out what my being bothered says about me, while perhaps also acknowledging and appreciating the opportunity you are giving me to examine myself.

This is not only a misguided reading of the art of allowing all things to serve our awakening, but also a far-from-compassionate response to our offending others, for we, in not being on the side of doing what we can to bring them face to face with the consequences of their actions, are on the side of depriving them of something they may sorely need. And in letting them off the hook, we are doing the same for ourselves.’

Masters suggests that to effectively deal with idiot compassion that we get familiar with it. ‘Don’t get pulled into its embrace. See it, name it, don’t blame it. Meet it and its underlying fear with genuine compassion, compassion that’s willing to be fiery, fierce, unsmiling, compassion that is loving enough not to give a damn about being nice. As idiot compassion sheds its masks, and opens its eyes to its own pain, its own anger and hurt and frustration and moral outrage, thereby letting in a love previously not accessible, it loses its idiot nature, and simply becomes compassion, with an especially keen eye for those who are still under the spell of idiot compassion.’

One of the greatest leaps in my understanding of genuine compassion is that if you are truly truly centered in love and are coming from the place of compassion, then if it is called for to be fierce, to hold others accountable for their actions, or to make hard decisions – that they will receive this well. They may be angry in the moment, but it will pass. I believe that when you come from the place of idiot compassion, you are (in a way) demeaning the other person – holding them in a vision that is less than what they are capable of…asking too little.

In working with practicing genuine compassion (versus idiot compassion), a number of questions arise for me:

• Can I handle people getting mad at me because I’m not playing to their ego-centered desires – what they want versus what they need?
• Can I get over potential disapproval or judgment when others view me as unkind, unsympathetic, or even cold?
• Do I have enough awareness of my own shadow tendencies to have clarity on what is a genuine compassionate response and what’s not?
• How can I remain centered in the space of absolute compassion and love while still holding others responsible for their actions, choices, etc.?
• How comfortable am I in the presence of others pain and suffering?
• How can I effectively navigate around my aversion to conflict?
• How can I get over the idea that I am causing another harm (or potentially causing harm) when I hold them accountable for their choices? How can I shift my thinking from the short-term view to an eternal perspective?

Note on Photo: do I consider giving money to those who are homeless an example of idiot or blind compassion? Not necessarily. I think it’s an individual choice.

Photo Credit: By Strevo on Flickr. Creative Commons license.

The Karma Yogini Journals explores contemplative service (aka karma yoga, seva, engaged spirituality) from an interspiritual perspective.

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Understanding Suffering

We all have the experience of suffering within our lives – even if we have found our way out of suffering to one extent or another. We have people in our families – people we love who seemingly choose to live in the cycle of pain and suffering. If we are actively engaged in service work in the world then we can see many many people who are suffering and many who perpetuate their pain and live in an endless cycle of suffering.

I work with individuals who are homeless. Most also have addiction issues and many also have mental health issues to one degree or another. Most are chronically homeless; meaning that they have lived this life for a very long time – some for most of their lives. There are many opportunities present for them to decide for something different – housing programs, social service programs, support groups, therapeutic communities, religious/spiritual organizations, health care programs, etc. Now, I’m not saying that all of these exist in absolute abundance or are all highly effective, but there are a lot of opportunities within the community for people who wish to make a different choice for themselves. Yet a good number choose to remain stuck in this lifestyle. This past year, I’ve conducted three memorial services for homeless friends who have died; three of my favorites – Neil, David and Carl. It hurt my heart so and evoked anger and frustration towards some of my other homeless friends who are following in the same footsteps as these three men.

How do we accept when those we love choose to live lives of pain and suffering? It seems easier to accept others choices when their lives don’t directly intersect with yours. There are hundreds of men and women in my community who are homeless that I truly and deeply love. There are people in my own inner circle of family and loved ones who choose to continue to suffer; sometimes very deeply. Knowing that there is a way out; that pain is inevitable in this physical world of duality, but suffering is optional makes it ever more frustrating. Why would someone choose this if it’s not necessary? But is it necessary?

Eckhart Tolle in an interview in What is Enlightenment, shares his thoughts on suffering:

“The purpose of the world is for you to be lost in it, ultimately. The purpose of the world is for you to suffer, to create the suffering that seems to be what is needed for the awakening to happen. And then once the awakening happens with it comes the realization that suffering is unnecessary now. You have reached the end of suffering because you have transcended the world. It is the place that is free of suffering.

This seems to be everybody’s path. Perhaps it is not everybody’s path in this lifetime, but it seems to be a universal path. Even without a spiritual teaching or a spiritual teacher, I believe that everybody would get there eventually. But that could take time.

…So it’s good that people are lost in the world. I enjoy traveling to New York and Los Angeles, where it seems that people are totally involved. I was looking out of the window in New York. We were next to the Empire State building doing a group. And everybody was rushing around, almost running. Everybody seems to be in a state of intense nervous tension, anxiety. It’s suffering really, but it’s not recognized as suffering. And I thought, where are they all running to? And of course, they are all running to the future. They are needing to get somewhere, which is not here. It is a point in time: not now—then. They are running to a then. They are suffering, but they don’t even know it. But to me, even watching that was joyful. I didn’t feel, “Oh, they should know better.” They are on their spiritual path. At the moment, that is their spiritual path, and it works beautifully.”

from Ripples on the Surface of Being, an interview with Eckhart Tolle by Andrew Cohen.

The last few sentences really stuck with me when I first read this – “They are suffering, but they don’t even know it. But to me, even watching that was joyful. I didn’t feel, “Oh, they should know better.” They are on their spiritual path. At the moment, that is their spiritual path, and it works beautifully.” Wow. I imagine that to truly believe that would bring about a great sense of peace and acceptance about what other people are choosing for their lives. Who are we to believe that we know what’s best for another? How do we know that this path of pain and suffering isn’t exactly what someone needs in order to eventually come to the place where they desire freedom from suffering?

I believe that it’s easier to accept that when we ourselves have learned to deal effectively with our own personal pain and suffering. I’m sure you’ve known people – and perhaps you yourself – who cannot stand to see another suffer, whether that is a person or an animal. They become nearly incapacitated and overly emotional. They must do something to help save that person or animal from suffering. That isn’t in and of itself a ‘bad’ thing. But it’s important to be clear on the motivation. Do you want to liberate another from suffering because you yourself can’t handle suffering – is it about you or about them? And, often when the motivation is from this space then the help or service that is being offered is less than effective.

I think that if we all examine our lives and the journey we’ve been on, we can easily see how pain and suffering has actually led us to deeper wisdom, clarity, healing, and growth. In hindsight, we can say ‘if it wasn’t for _____________, I never would have learned _______________.’ We can see the gift that pain and suffering has offered to us in our lives. We can also learn how to effectively transform our own pain and suffering and in the process learn how to be present in the midst of others pain and suffering. And not only present, but accepting that right now this is their spiritual path.

I believe that our role as sacred servers, karma yogis, aspiring bodhisattvas is to liberate ourselves from suffering first and to be the demonstration of this within the world. I believe that this is truly the only way to liberate another from suffering – to demonstrate to them that it is possible. And for those who aren’t ready – we love them and keep on loving them even if they never choose to become liberated or awakened in this life. Eventually they will.

Resources:

The Engaged Spiritual Life – A Buddhist Approach to Transforming Ourselves and the World by Donald Rothberg. Chapter 4: Opening to Suffering – Opening to Compassion.

Photo Credit: Homeless Sleeping on the Sidewalk by Franco Folini. Creative Commons license.

Sacred Service as a Spiritual Practice

Mother Antonio, The Prison Angel

Two years ago, I consciously began walking the path of sacred service. I was a nun in a contemplative spiritual order for about 4 years when I had the opportunity to serve in a deeper way. Soon after I took my ordination vows and ‘took the veil’, I started working as a shelter administrator for an interfaith homeless shelter that served about 75 people a night during the first year and 85-100 per night in the second year. The shelter is the only one in the city that accepts people who are under the influence of drugs or alcohol as long as they can meet the minimal behavior standards. One night during the first week I was there, I was walking up and down the aisles of beds while people were sleeping. I stopped in the middle of the room and vowed to myself, my soul and the Divine that I would keep my heart open no matter what; that I wouldn’t shield or protect myself from the pain and suffering and that I wouldn’t run. I knew that in order to be a true channel for divine love within the world that my heart had to remain open. You can’t both protect your heart from pain and suffering while at the same time keeping it open to the source of love. It’s all or nothing. Although I had been involved in service as a volunteer for most of my life, this was the beginning of consciously walking the path of sacred service.

What I learned nearly immediately is that you can think all sorts of things about where you are at spiritually, but until you are tested in real life, it’s in your head. Sacred Service provides you with the best way to honestly evaluate where you’re at. Can you stay centered in love, in joy, in peace with your heart wide open while standing in the middle of pain and suffering? When do you shut down? How can you remain deeply connected to the Divine Source on a daily, even minute by minute basis? Walking this path of sacred service moved me from my head into my heart.

The first year at the shelter, I worked 7 nights a week – 80 hours a week. Every night I would return to the Monastery and review my experiences. How was I able to keep my heart open? When did I want to protect or shield myself? Was I able to stay centered? How was I successful? Where did I need work? Last November, I left the path of nun (e.g., of renunciation) to live in the world, with the world and for the world and continue my work of service with individuals who are homeless.

“A true Karma yogin is he whose heart has implicit faith in God, whose mind has a constant awareness of God and whose body has a genuine love for God in humanity. It is easy for a Bhakta to forget the world, and for a Jnani to ignore the world. But a Karma yogin’s destiny is otherwise. God wants him to live in the world, live with the world and live for the world.”- Sri Chinmoy

What is Sacred Service?

Sacred Service is about service as a spiritual practice. Interchangeable terms for this are ’seva’ or ‘karma yoga’.

Seva (say-va) is a spiritual practice of selfless service, springing from two forms of yoga, Karma Yoga which is the yoga of action, and Bhakti Yoga, the yoga of worship inspired by divine love. Seva should be done with no expectation of reward or even acknowledgment of the work that is done. We serve not to convert or save a soul, but simply to serve and for no other reason. No strings attached. No carrots. Make yourself invisible and do acts of kindness without expectation of return, coming from a place of love.

• Selfless Service – Siddha Yoga Path
• Siva – from Sikhi Wiki, an encyclopedia of the Sikhs
• Cultivating Seva: Selfless Service as Devotion – on Yoga.com
• What is Seva? – from Sevanti Ayurveda and Acupuncture

Karma Yoga is the path of selfless action. It is to renounce the fruits of one’s action and perform actions with pure intention, devoid of selfish motive.

• Karma Yoga – The Yoga of Awareness in Action
• Karma Yoga by Meher Baba
• Karma Yoga by Sri Chinmoy
• Karma Yoga by Sri Swami Sivananda

5 Types of Service

Andrew Harvey, author and mystic, talks about 5 types of service:

1. Service to the Divine through daily prayer. Get up early and spend an hour in a sacred practice. You must be fed by divine inspiration.
2. Service to oneself, as a living instrument of the Divine in action, through the fostering of emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
3. Service to all beings, including animals. Bring a consciousness of divine compassion to your daily encounters. Spread joy, honoring and cherishing everyone.
4. Service to your local community. Identify the two or three worldwide concerns that most break your heart. Work on these issues in your local community; even a couple hours a week will add meaning to your life.
5. Service to your global community. Americans, in particular, must accept the responsibility of being a global citizen, especially when it comes to choices with money and the resulting runaway consumption.

I would encourage you to take 10 minutes to watch this video by Andrew Harvey that goes into more depth on the first two types of service – it’s inspiring!